Protection

Protection

    I remember the day the Challenger blew up.  I was watching it on TV while in middle school.  It was the first time anything like that had happened in schools.  I don’t recall initially realizing that it blew up but it was very clear from the teacher’s face that something was wrong.  Soon the Principal came over the loud speaker & instructed the teachers to turn off the TVs.  

    I often wonder why adults feel the need to protect children from tragic or sad events in life.  When does the child have the right to know the truth?  Why do parents get to make that decision?  I realize that some events, like 9/11, are hard to explain and could even scare small children, however in today’s information crazy society, children are going to find out regardless of whether you try to protect them - isn’t it better to tell them yourself so that you can answer their questions?    

    It is not always a tragic event that we try to protect children from though.  The simple act of sickness and death is often underplayed to children - even adult children - by parents.  I think back to my own experiences.  When my beloved Grandmother Alice was dying, I received a call from my Mom asking if I was coming home from Clemson for the weekend for my Dad’s birthday.  She never mentioned my Grandmother was dying.  I could have left on Thursday afternoon instead I left late Friday and got home late Friday night.  By the time I arrived home, she was unresponsive.  I never got to say Good-bye.  I was robbed of that moment because my parents felt I should be protected from the truth.  They thought I would be too upset to drive home.  Instead, I live daily with heartache knowing I never got to say good-bye.  

    My husband had the same experience.  When his Grandfather died, we didn’t receive a call till after 11AM - even though he had been rushed to the hospital at 7:30AM.  By the time we realized how grave it was, my husband didn’t have time to get to the hospital.  He didn’t get to say good-bye.  He’s a man.  He will never admit that it bothered him.  But I saw it in his eyes.  

    Is it a generational thing?  Do baby boomers feel they have to protect their children from bad news?  Were they protected as well?  Does the cycle continue through generations?  When do we decide that the cycle has to stop?  When do children get the right to make their own decision of whether they want to leave college or work to say good-bye to their grandparents?  

    Maybe for some they like being sheltered.  Maybe they don’t want to be around death and just prefer to say their good-byes silently in their hearts.  If only death were that easy.  One day we will all be faced with the decisions involved with death.  When that time comes, will we try to protect also?  

    I know that I have stopped the cycle in my family.  My Mom calls me now when the bird is missing and hasn’t returned to its nest.  Ok ... I am exaggerating ... but I made my point with my Mom.  She understands that I want the right to make that decision.  And, she has respected that and upheld her end of the bargain.

    I would say that protection causes more confusion for children than actual protection.  Children are quite intelligent and they can sense that something isn’t right.  They realize that adults are whispering and their eyes are red.  They can pick up that someone is missing from the room.  Can you imagine their confusion when they are told “Everything is ok.  Everything is ok.  Everything is ok.”?  It’s not ok.  Suddenly because they are told everything is fine, death becomes scary.  Death is inevitable.  There is no need to hide it from children.  They have the most unique and wonderful view of death.  Heaven is a glorious place for a child.  Their simplistic view can make all of us realize that death is really a beginning.

    Recently, a friend’s Grandmother passed away.  When she was explaining to her three year old what happened, the toddler said, “Mommy, don’t cry.  Granny can play with Bailey now in heaven!”  Bailey was their black lab that passed last year.  What a wonderful perspective!  

    We think we are protecting our children from death’s sad truth but the reality is we are robbing ourselves.  We are robbing ourselves from really seeing the true beauty in death - at that moment when it occurs.  We rob ourselves of remembering - at that moment - that there’s a sweet lab wagging his tail & jumping up & down because Granny just walked through the gates to play with him.  

    Remember this next time you feel you should protect a child from death.  Whether it is a loved one or a national tragedy, don’t rob yourself of the simplistic view of a child.